LOSERS
Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum
Emir of Dubai
Oh, it's got to hurt to go begging for money from Abu Dhabi. Abu Dhabi! That's like Trump asking for money from his uncle who put his salary in Vanguard index funds. It's like U.A.E. SmackDown.
Google Buzz
Some kind of thing on your computer
Remember when Gmail invited you — just you! — to join Google Buzz, where you could connect all your social networks with your e-mail? Or maybe it was something totally different. All I know is that I already had more things that did that crap than I wanted.
Leonid Tyagachev
Ex-head of the Russian Olympic Committee
Eleventh in gold medals and none in hockey — despite having Alexander Ovechkin on your team? In the past, someone who performed like this would be banished to Siberia. But they have a pretty good hockey team there right now. So I don't know where they send you now that you quit.
Tom Tom
Car GPS device
Six years ago, these were from the future. Now they come with your phone. I think they sell them in the discount bins they used to use for Yngwie Malmsteen cassettes.
Space Shuttle
Formerly cool vehicle
You know how all these other countries built space shuttles after we did? Well, that's because they didn't. Everyone stuck with rocket ships because rocket ships are cool. Space shuttles are airplanes that don't even go to other countries. Have you ever seen a comic book or a sci-fi movie where the hero goes up in something that looks like a space shuttle? Finally, we're going back to rocket ships.
Kurmanbek Bakiyev
Ex-President of Kyrgyzstan
Bakiyev was barely influential when he was President of Kyrgyzstan, because it's Kyrgyzstan. But when massive corruption got him tossed out, he couldn't even get his brother and son out of the country. He gave both the U.S. and Russia bases in his country, and even they didn't have his back.
Mamadou Tandja
Ex-President of Niger
Even Bakiyev was able to get out of his country when he got coup d'étated. But Tandja was stuck and arrested in Niger. The best way of telling that you have no influence: you can't even get someone to post a better photo on your Wikipedia page. Not flattering.
Rue McClanahan
Actress
Betty White has usurped all the power from the remaining Golden Girls.
Lorelle Young
President of the U.S. Metric Association
She's about 99 kilometers from being influential. Or 99 metrometers. I have no idea how that works.
Manuel Zelaya
Ex-President of Honduras
Another guy who got coup d'étated. He wound up in the Dominican Republic. And, as every baseball fan knows, you don't walk off the Dominican Republic.
Palm Inc.
Maker of the Pre phone
Remember when it was cool to have a Treo? And then Palm came out with this well-reviewed, awesome new smart phone? Thing is, that was a few years after the iPhone came out.
Gourmet magazine
Ex-magazine
The country is obsessed with food, and Gourmet folds after 68 years. Condé Nast would rather keep Bon Appétit, which is a magazine called Bon Appétit.